Northern exposure - Pt. 3

So there I stand - a long & lean corporate example to be made to others who dare to set off the alarm. My troll guard is far too enthusiastic about this for my liking, and I have the feeling I'm going to be here a while.

And so he begins.

Starts down the left side of my head - finds the earring - "WHEEP!"

Keep in mind my hair is up - thankfully - if it wasn't, I figured he would have touched my hair to see what was beeping *shudder*

Moves down my chest - onwards to stomach - then down the outside of my left leg.

Bear in mind my skirt has three zippers on it - one of them runs down the outside of my left leg.

"WHEEP!"

Little troll appears confused...waves his magic stick once again over my thigh..."WHEEP!"

You think he was a bloodhound that found himself the scent of a fox. Bends over and places his face about 10 centimetres from my leg as the 'wheep-n-beep' lights up a third time. "WHEEP!"

Christ.

I'm watching all of this with an ever-growing disdain for security personnel - and he hasn't even warmed up yet. My arms start to ache as I holding this silly pose. The fourth swipe of my thigh actually touches me. "WHEEP!"

"That would be the zipper to my skirt" I remark.

Saying nothing, and not making eye contact, he proceeds downwards. Over the toe of my heels is a thin strip of highly polished chrome...at least he only went over that one once. Only a fool would think that I could fit anything into a pair of heels that have pointed toes.

So now the fun part...I swear this one is going to be shown at the security guard Christmas party...the INSIDE of the left leg!

He begins alongside my ankle and slowly ascends...not scanning over my leg, but rubbing it up my leg. Once he reaches the hem of the skirt, you would think he would scan over my clothes right? - HELL NO! Up the hem of my skirt went - right to mid-thigh!

At this point my arms came down damn fast and he caught himself. The magic stick resumed its proper place OVER my clothing and he scanned the inside of my right leg without incident.

Didn't even ask me to raise my arms again.

Back up the outside of the right leg he went, only to discover the second zipper, by sheer coincidence in the exact same location it had been on my left leg. "WHEEP!" Nose came centimetres from me again as the wand kept waving over my zipper: "WHEEP!" "WHEEP!"...."WHEEP!"

*sigh* I figure my plane has taken off by now.

So he scans up my stomach, the other side of my chest, and down the other arm - only after asking to raise them again. I figure we are done now and go to lower my arms and proceed towards my belongings, and what I figure is now an iced coffee.

"Ma'am, can you turn around and hold your arms out, please?"

I happened to be facing his co-worker; a rather attractive young lad who happened to be enjoying this immensely. He had even stopped helping to shuffle people through and had actually sat down. I couldn't help but laugh at this as I turned around to now face the painfully long line of people staring back at me waiting for their turn.

Onto the black rubber facecloth I went - arms up and out.

Wand went straight to the backside...well well well...guess where zipper number three was?!?

Give the troll a prize! Oh wait - I think that may have been the problem in the first place.

The "WHEEP!"'s were incessant as he scanned my ass over...and over...and over again. And forget scanning over the clothes...that wasn't close enough remember? So there I stand - moderately spread eagle while this four-foot troll is rubbing my backside with his light saber.

I’m tired enough to be riding the line between highly annoyed and friggin’ amused by this – as my dangerous sarcastic mind tries desperately to refrain from making a joke about how he will never find buried treasure there... And then I made a mistake…

I made eye contact with the woman who was waiting in line to come through the gate next. And then start to laugh as the look on her face is great; shock and awe mixed with disgust and comedy.

Why you may ask?

“WHEEP!”

I look over my shoulder – and the little bugger has his face, once again, ten centimetres from my backside – and this stupid wand is still rubbing me!

At this point I just turn around and remark just loud enough for his coworkers to hear:

“That thing better not be radioactive, or my ass will be glowing by the time I get to Edmonton”

Walk over to my stuff – pick up my now drinkable temperature coffee, and try to contain my laughter as I walk off leaving the creepy troll to deal with the laughing line-up of waiting passengers that has now tripled in size…

Now if only I could find my gate.