Northern Exposure - Pt. 2
Security.
That formidable fortress of seriously cranky individuals decked out like mall cops. Sexy.
I approach the long line-up of tropical travellers in front of me being slowly herded forwards through the “big beepers”. The thoughts running through my head at this point are two-fold: first – this coffee has the median temperature of lava, thereby melting my hand right onto the cup for life, and second – the security gates remind me of the Sphinx Gate in the Neverending Story. I must risk life and limb in order to make it through the Gate on my way to reach the Southern Oracle (a.k.a. – the boarding lounge). Wow – I really was not awake at all at this point.
The line shuffles forward with good speed, as people are ushered through without incident or inspection. The only disconcerting part was the creepy little man doing the ushering. With me in heels he came right to my bust level (quadrupling the creepy factor), and I handed all of my stuff to the woman working the conveyor belt. All of my stuff disappears into the x-ray machine and little creepy troll eagerly stands a little straighter. Crud.
“Ma’am – step forward, please”
I do – and the gate lights up like a Christmas tree, ensuring we are all wide awake now. I expected this as I’m clad in jewellery and there is metal on my shoes and suit. Secretly I’m trying not to wince; as between this guy and the blisters I’m sure are forming on my hand, I have a feeling this is going to be a show.
“Ma’am – step onto the mat, please”
This mat is about the size of a facecloth.
“Ma’am – spread your legs, please”
I’m sorry – what, what?!? I smirk and raise an eyebrow at him. His co-workers just got the joke and are smiling.
“Uh – I’m sorry Ma’am. Could you stand with your feet apart, please”
I comply...slowly.
At this point – he takes my coffee from me…and proceeds to scan it. Yes – scan it. I bit my tongue to keep from telling him that it was plenty hot and that there was no need to re-heat it.
“Ma’am – hold your arms straight out to the side, please”
Okey dokey – I already know that his magic wand is going to get a kick out of me
That formidable fortress of seriously cranky individuals decked out like mall cops. Sexy.
I approach the long line-up of tropical travellers in front of me being slowly herded forwards through the “big beepers”. The thoughts running through my head at this point are two-fold: first – this coffee has the median temperature of lava, thereby melting my hand right onto the cup for life, and second – the security gates remind me of the Sphinx Gate in the Neverending Story. I must risk life and limb in order to make it through the Gate on my way to reach the Southern Oracle (a.k.a. – the boarding lounge). Wow – I really was not awake at all at this point.
The line shuffles forward with good speed, as people are ushered through without incident or inspection. The only disconcerting part was the creepy little man doing the ushering. With me in heels he came right to my bust level (quadrupling the creepy factor), and I handed all of my stuff to the woman working the conveyor belt. All of my stuff disappears into the x-ray machine and little creepy troll eagerly stands a little straighter. Crud.
“Ma’am – step forward, please”
I do – and the gate lights up like a Christmas tree, ensuring we are all wide awake now. I expected this as I’m clad in jewellery and there is metal on my shoes and suit. Secretly I’m trying not to wince; as between this guy and the blisters I’m sure are forming on my hand, I have a feeling this is going to be a show.
“Ma’am – step onto the mat, please”
This mat is about the size of a facecloth.
“Ma’am – spread your legs, please”
I’m sorry – what, what?!? I smirk and raise an eyebrow at him. His co-workers just got the joke and are smiling.
“Uh – I’m sorry Ma’am. Could you stand with your feet apart, please”
I comply...slowly.
At this point – he takes my coffee from me…and proceeds to scan it. Yes – scan it. I bit my tongue to keep from telling him that it was plenty hot and that there was no need to re-heat it.
“Ma’am – hold your arms straight out to the side, please”
Okey dokey – I already know that his magic wand is going to get a kick out of me
And so the show began...
Copyrighted by Okami 5:33 PM
10 Comments:
i wonder if he tries to pick up all the attractive women who go through his gate with that line.
fwiw - i had to remove my boots and belt when i landed in vegas. one at a time. the gate kept picking up the mass of pewter belt buckle, and the steel boot shanks.
they never did check the boots - just wanted to remove them from the equation. and now i think i just figured out a brilliant spot to hide my nail clippers so i can take over the plane.
bwa ha ha ha ha.
i have clippers. please stand on the mat and spread your legs. i mean.... the plane is mine - turn it toward edmonton. i mean...
aw... just forget it.
You may remember that I had a similar incident at a festival a while ago.
I enjoyed it SO much!!!!
I can't believe they actually scanned your coffee.
Spread your legs.
Ha!
Oddly enough, I tried that line over the weekend and found drinks hurled at me rather than handed to me.
I've always found the best way to pass security is to wrap my head in a towel, scream "Praise Allah!" and charge.
You know, when you posted this, I had no idea that it was a season-ending cliffhanger. I can't wait until the fall lineup kicks off so I can see how this ends.
Messiah - this gets better...
Ultra - hahahahaha - just wait till he tells me to turn around...which he did....
Joe - Um: maybe your wand isn't big enough?
Grant - I'll remember that for my flight to B.C. next week...of course, all of my towels are coloured, so I think that effect may get lost in translation.
Diva - He knew the moment he saw the accessories on my fingers, arms and ears that I was going to set it off...creepy weirdo....
Joe - I'm doing it to protest your blatant disrespect of the JoKami name. :P
Ah...good point. As for the 'wand' thing, that's in keeping with the theme of my most recent post.
Maybe there's more to those e-mails than I thought...
No NO!!
Bad memories.....
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