To You From Me
I found myself being remarkably reflective this weekend. I’m not entirely sure why, but I think considerable fatigue certainly played a factor. I’ve been doing a lot of dreaming lately, and while they are certainly informative …you don’t feel all that rested the following morning. This is the time of year where all the dreamy-eyed couples are out with their little scan guns, aimlessly wandering among the dull linens and ghastly china looking for their little registry items. The women look overwhelmed and the men look panicked. Rather amusing for the casual onlookers such as myself. It seems so odd to have essentially cut out two people out of my life who were little more than atomic waste, only to find myself watching couples go through the motions of wedded preparation.
My first thought was one of amusement, then one of contemplation as that will likely be me one day, then one of almost…relief? No…perhaps not the correct choice of words, but it will have to do until a suitable replacement can be found.
It was in watching these, what I’m hoping were happy couples, that I realized how much I cherished my present freedom. It’s an odd sensation really – one that transcends simple description and one that many people would likely attribute to you losing your mind. This isn’t a mere “I’m happy alone” sentiment, because I enjoy the company of people equally as much as the peace of individual solitude. But this is a freedom of the soul right now. No longer am I burdened by the lies of others – no longer are my decisions and feelings weighted down by their demands, their actions are no longer my concern…and in some respect, the same holds true for their feelings. Their internal battles are no longer my wars to wage against – their insecurities are theirs alone to contend with. I no longer have to be a cheerleader on an emotional battlefield where more often then not, I was the principal casualty. I am no longer the sought-after trophy - I no longer have to be stuck in the middle of the backstabbing/ lying/ snivelling/ pessimistic sludge that runs as thick as tar but more sinister and deadly.
No more.
Nothing but freedom.
Nothing more than being comfortable in my own skin again; remarking only in the feelings that are my own, thoughts that are of my own making and reflection, and the warmth that comes from knowing I am responsible to no one other than myself again.
There is something indescribable in that realization of independence…as though you were unaware of the chocking hold that others had on your life; a smothered existence. One in which you spent so much time on the welfare of others that you neglect your own wellbeing. By a show of hands – how familiar does this sound to you??
Sadly, I expect to see a lot of hands raised out there.
I don’t want that for any of you. I want you to take this moment right now to do something for yourself – anything. Make a little change, take a big chance – it doesn’t matter. Take a deep breath and go do something, damn it. It doesn’t have to be significant to anyone else but YOU. Just so long as it has some meaning for you; relaxation, enjoyment, tranquility, exhilaration, arousal, acceptance, remembrance, forgiveness.
It doesn’t matter what it means to you….so long as it is to YOU…and FOR YOU.
You don’t have to be by yourself to put yourself first now and again. We have to always remember to do that – for what good are we to others if we aren’t good to ourselves?
Now – off you go – all of you…and do something to make yourselves whole again.
My first thought was one of amusement, then one of contemplation as that will likely be me one day, then one of almost…relief? No…perhaps not the correct choice of words, but it will have to do until a suitable replacement can be found.
It was in watching these, what I’m hoping were happy couples, that I realized how much I cherished my present freedom. It’s an odd sensation really – one that transcends simple description and one that many people would likely attribute to you losing your mind. This isn’t a mere “I’m happy alone” sentiment, because I enjoy the company of people equally as much as the peace of individual solitude. But this is a freedom of the soul right now. No longer am I burdened by the lies of others – no longer are my decisions and feelings weighted down by their demands, their actions are no longer my concern…and in some respect, the same holds true for their feelings. Their internal battles are no longer my wars to wage against – their insecurities are theirs alone to contend with. I no longer have to be a cheerleader on an emotional battlefield where more often then not, I was the principal casualty. I am no longer the sought-after trophy - I no longer have to be stuck in the middle of the backstabbing/ lying/ snivelling/ pessimistic sludge that runs as thick as tar but more sinister and deadly.
No more.
Nothing but freedom.
Nothing more than being comfortable in my own skin again; remarking only in the feelings that are my own, thoughts that are of my own making and reflection, and the warmth that comes from knowing I am responsible to no one other than myself again.
There is something indescribable in that realization of independence…as though you were unaware of the chocking hold that others had on your life; a smothered existence. One in which you spent so much time on the welfare of others that you neglect your own wellbeing. By a show of hands – how familiar does this sound to you??
Sadly, I expect to see a lot of hands raised out there.
I don’t want that for any of you. I want you to take this moment right now to do something for yourself – anything. Make a little change, take a big chance – it doesn’t matter. Take a deep breath and go do something, damn it. It doesn’t have to be significant to anyone else but YOU. Just so long as it has some meaning for you; relaxation, enjoyment, tranquility, exhilaration, arousal, acceptance, remembrance, forgiveness.
It doesn’t matter what it means to you….so long as it is to YOU…and FOR YOU.
You don’t have to be by yourself to put yourself first now and again. We have to always remember to do that – for what good are we to others if we aren’t good to ourselves?
Now – off you go – all of you…and do something to make yourselves whole again.
Copyrighted by Okami 11:31 AM
6 Comments:
I'm somewhat anti-marriage, having seen so many decent people eaten by the marriage monster. If I ever find that special somebody (ninja bunny dentist) and she wants to marry, I'll do it to make her happy as long as she understands I'll end it if she changes after she gets me legally locked in. Throughout the engagement, I will kindly remind her that I will not tolerate betrayal. "And here is the chainsaw I'll be using if you feck me over." "Under that tree is where I'll bury the remains - do you like that spot, dear?"
Marriage isn't for everybody. However, if you do decide to go that route, I hope you find someone who doesn't burden you with lies. Preferrably, you'll find someone who makes few demands (perhaps requests,) and is willing (perhaps desiring,) to fulfill your demands (or requests.) You, of course, will reciprocate.
Thank you for enabling us to love ourselves. I think you're right that we must love and care for ourselves before we can love and care for others. Sometimes life with somebody who has demands that are out of their control can become frustrating for both parties. If you take time to make life easier for yourself, you'll be more able to spend time helping those you love through rough spots. (This is why I regularly take time to play video games!)
oh, oh... me me me me me. umm, i mean.... quietly and sedately raises hand.
i couldn't agree more. it's a necessity - even though some days it seems impossible to make some "me time". it's the reason why - no matter how tired i am, some nights i'm still up at one am, reading. it's my quiet time once everyone else has gone to bed.
otherwise i'm sure my quiet time will involve a huggy jacket and some padded walls.
toxic sludge... i like that
Grant: Umm...o..k...huh. Let's see: between your last blog entry and your comments on mine now, you have essentially insulted all women, all Canadian women, and all Canadians. And I find it a little unsettling that the love of your life may turn to you one day and say something like "kiss me like you did the night you threatened to kill me"
Perhaps your "me time" might involve a lot of sake and nice nap...or an Asian massage parlour for a full day...or ten.
Either way dear...I’m sorry that you have had some seriously nasty people in your life by the sounds of it. I can relate to being betrayed, and the pain that goes along with it. I'm so sorry that you've had to cope with it too.
But that's why we're here - to vent, to laugh and to say "feck it". :p
Doug: I really only mentioned the couples becuase the city seems to be overrun with them right now - I found it kind of comical. It's like you can go the rest of the year and there is nothing and then in one weekend - they all just appear!
And of course I'll reciprocate... that's half the fun.
Messiah: Thought you might like the sludge reference, and I'm stunned you didn't pop out your shoulder raising your hand that fast. huggy jacket - I like that
Tell me who I have to be. To get some reciprocity.
Sorry, channeling Lauren Hill for a minute there.
I agree that it's both amazing and amusing to see how spring brings out all of the happy couples. As for the main point of the post, it appears that you've hit the nail on the head when it comes to noticing how easy it is to lose oneself in a relationship - and how liberating it is to realize that it's okay to be selfish sometimes. The burdens we allow others to place upon us can be heavy indeed, and the trick is to stick with those how lift us up, not those who weigh us down.
Joe: I realize that it may sound a little odd to say "Be selfish for everyone's benefit" - but it is still true.
HDD: Oh dear - have people part with their hard earned money to listen to me babble on?
Damn it - why didn't I think of that before?
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