How many times have I told you...UPDATED
This idiot has tried to contact me at least once a day - every day since I wrote this. He does not know I have a blog, so this is just his usual behaviour. It has ranged from playing 20 questions - to giddy - to questionable - to snippy - to downright rude - and right back to giddy again. Currently he has gone back to 20 questions...
However - I do thank-you all for your insights and support. It was helpful to discover that this simply wasn't just my point of view, and that if anything - being burdened by it for so long had just worn me down to the point that even I didn't realize how bad things were.
I'm still not sure on a course of action that will be effective and 'safe' (not to sound dramatic) - but in the meantime, look for a much better blog entry early next week!!
To one and all - have a wonderful weekend, and thank-you for being there for me.
*****************************
Alright everyone....gather round whilst I spin a tale for one and all. Come now, there's plenty of room, bunch together, we're all friends here. Everyone comfy? Have their snacks and beverages of choice close at hand? Splendid.
Now where was I?...oh yes... Come one, come all, as I tell a tale of a lad. A lad unlike any you have seen before. A lad unlike you have ever encountered before. A lad....obsessed.
It all began long ago when a woman, not unlike most women, struck a friendship with the lad. They had a nice friendship for many years, sharing outings with other groups and sympathizing with another when life went awry; shoulders for one another to cry on when relationships ended or life's little misgivings had struck them down. And so continued their friendship for many a year, unchanging and routine...
Until one day...
Our lad awoke with a quest. A quest so consuming that from that moment on he vowed to never let it falter until his objective had been achieved. He became increasingly fascinated with its prospect, its potential, and its attainment. It slowly consumed him until he thought about it every waking minute of the day...tracking it...stalking it...hunting it like prey. His quest was to convince the aforementioned woman that she would wake up one day and magically fall in love with the lad; upon which rainbows would fill the sky, stars would illuminate the skyline, small woodland creatures would come to hark their well wishes, and the birds would deafen one and all with a cacophony of screeches...not unlike the pitiful wailing of the condemned damned souls of hell....
*sigh*
And so, my huddled readers...it is now approaching three years since this quest of his began, and I still can't shake this kid. I'm running out of ideas. Perhaps further elaboration is necessary to impart upon you the extent of this dilemma.
Have you ever been in love with someone who didn't love you? No – have you ever been the person on the other side of that equation? Try being the one who is loved by one whom I know I can never love in the way they want. You want to go through your daily existence feeling like the lowest common denominator of humanity? No matter what I do - I will never be able to live up to the expectations this person has of me. I have been put on a pedestal so high I'm suffering from oxygen deprivation. And I can’t change that. Even when presented with this reality – they just adore me all the more. I’m backed into a corner from which I cannot escape, and this person still believes that I one day I will awake will this new found adoration for them and realize that I have been wrong all this time.
....That was back in February...
What follows is how this once relatively harmless infatuation has mutated into something so unsettling as to unnerve me a great deal. It will attempt to be a socially acceptable (whenever possible) reflection of the destruction this has wielded upon me and my life. I have known this guy for many years, and he shows tremendous promise both academically and professionally. He is a avid lover of books, and absorbs knowledge like a sponge. His ability to recall random factoids about everything from Atoms to Zoology borders on the semi-surreal. In many respects he has become a loving and devoted friend (in platonic sense); and has always been there to lend a hand whenever I needed him. However, our friendship quickly changed on his part when he decided one day to change his mind on what the scope of our relationship was to look like. (Not an uncommon occurrence to readers out there I imagine).
Since that time he has frequently made gestures that at times have left me extremely uncomfortable (more awkward than uncomfortable at first, but I find it difficult to find an adequate and accurate phrasing to convey the proper emotion). His hugs, for example, last a little too long, and he always reaches inside my jacket to wrap his arms around my waist...has even lifted my jacket slightly if I have it done up. If I don't hug him back...well...I'll come back to that.
He makes frequent attempts to sit so close to me that he almost leans on me - tries to touch me almost incessantly via a hand on my back or my shoulder or my arm - and stares longingly at me... unblinking. All this while at the same time asking in steady 5 minute intervals if "everything is okay?" "can he get me anything?" "can he help in any way?" and that "he's always here to talk if I need to"....yeah...I get the idea that he's always there...loud and clear.
While some men and women may enjoy that kind of constant doting - I find it smothering after a point - makes me feel like running stark naked in the opposite direction screaming "For the love of anything good in the world - leave me alone!!!!!" at the top of lungs.
Speaking of lungs: *deep breath*
I have made my non-romantic feeling stance on this issue very clear with him numerous times, so it is not for a lack of trying on my part. Alas, the lad has taken this as a challenge to convince me otherwise. Therefore his increased his presence wherever I went three-fold, as well as all the aforementioned actions that went with it. The emails, phone calls to the house, phone calls to the cell, MSN messages and even calls to the office increase dramatically as his frantic necessity to talk to me grows. Every now and again, I think it starts to sink in, and he realizes somewhere in his grey matter that perhaps it is not meant to be; that perhaps I will never come around to see the world as he does. It is at this point when any number of his beloved family members, (whom I have met numerous times, and they are wonderful people FYI), will casually mention what a splendid daughter-in-law I would make one day, and the lad begins his quest anew.
Even writing these words gives me somewhat of a heavy heart because, in essence, this otherwise tranquil kid has really done nothing wrong with the exception of falling into some quasi-form of obsessive infatuation. I refuse to use the word "love" for nothing about this can even be remotely constituted as such.
Add to this quandary that this lad is the single most emotional individual I have ever met in my life. Now many of you may joke that he's "in touch with his feminine side" while others may think "at last! - there are men like that out there!" To all of you – heed caution; while it is indeed important that men not be cold and indifferent in relationships, in turn, I would find it difficult to be with w man who outwardly conveys more emotion than my entire group of female friends combined. Keeping in mind that some of them have given birth – sufficed to say it equates to him displaying a LOT of emotion.
I had trusted him with a lot of things in my life; however I’ve learned very quickly not to convey any great deal of emotion (good, bad or otherwise) around this particular individual. Again, he reaches the point of abject smothering. To illustrate: If I have had a particularly rough few days, and require a venting of frustration to feel better...bad idea! While most men I know want to try and offer solutions to fix the problem ~ even after reassurances that all I need to do is vent and I'll be fine ~ this guy......dwells......and mopes......and frets......incessantly.
His sleep will be affected by whether I've had a good day or a bad day, and he will leave messages every single day saying that "he hopes I feel better soon" and "to call him immediately, anytime, day or night" if I need to talk. He will do this until I tell him I feel better, regardless if I do feel better or not. It is not uncommon for this guy to leave anywhere from 2 to 8 messages a day if I have one bad occurrence. Bear in mind, this is not all via phone...I may receive email messages, cell phone messages, home phone messages, MSN messages and work phone messages all in the same day.
He has even taken to emailing friends of mine to see if they have heard from me that day, or lately, asking How am I doing? Have they seen me? Is everything okay with me?...you get the idea.
Now - you may be thinking "well, that's easy Okami, just don't talk to him" - uh huh - we've tried that before in a feeble attempt to establish a good deal of distance in the hopes that he would lose interest. Nope. He had a meltdown and started to panic, then got really angry, then sob uncontrollably in a way that leaves me struggling to convey it's...um....yeah I don't know how to say it. He does this sometimes if I don't hug him back too...
He cries uncontrollably over the phone – even on voicemails, asking why I am mad at him, why I won’t talk to him, what he did, how he can make it better.
And – perhaps the strangest part…actually increases his calling, emailing and the like. Increases!
I’ll refrain from attempting to convey what this sounds like over the phone.
But…this weekend sealed his fate once and for all in my eyes.
He has two large short hair farm cats as pets – a male and a female. The female is terrified of the outdoors; the male loves it and has now begun to hunt birds. The cat wanders outside unsupervised, yet when he drags some stunned bird into the house this lad gets all panicked and emotional. Just to give you an idea how big this cat is, one day he actually drug in a pigeon!! A pigeon! – not a tiny sparrow – a giant pigeon! What does this guy do? He calls me at work in a panicked frenzy, begging me to tell him what to do, and where he can take this bird for help. Now the bird is not hurt in any way – merely stunned, but this is of no matter to him. I am sitting at work, in a brand new job (first few days actually), and he’s at the other end of the city asking me what to do with this bird??? He calls me four times asking where he can take this bird…the fifth call he says that I “don’t have to worry anymore because vets take in emergency cases and he can go to his vet…across the street from his front door”….
*my head is starting to pound as I write this*
So now he is all calm and cheery again because he got to demonstrate how much of a hero he is. Thus, everything is right again in his version of the world.
This past weekend – ‘cat’astrophe struck! This time the cat actually broke skin and the little bird was bleeding.
His reaction – BLIND PANIC !!!!!
He calls my house
He calls my cell
He calls my house
He calls my cell
He calls my house…
And so it was repeated – house, cell, house, cell…
For a minimum of 13 calls (that I can account for) in under 40 minutes. Total number of calls is unknown – but that still works out to one call every three minutes.
Why did he do this? Apparently his vet’s office is closed on Sunday, and he expected me to stop what I was doing, regardless of where I was or who I may have been with – race over to his house – pick up this bird – and drive around the city aimlessly until a vet that was open on Sunday could be located to look at this bird…that his cat attacked…that he left unsupervised knowing full well that cat would do it if given the chance.
Forgive me – my earlier attempt at writing this in a relatively unbiased fashion has more or less nose-dived at this point hasn’t it? Sorry.
So he put me in the unfair position whereby if I did not drop everything I was doing and something bad happened to this bird – it would be on my conscious.
Besides – I couldn’t have done anything even I wanted to – I didn’t have the car.
He calls the cell again and leaves another message – thereby filling my mailbox completely – to inform me that “I don’t have to worry anymore because he called animal rescue and they are coming over to pick up the bird”. His voice was all sing-songy and happy because he could be the hero once again.
Perhaps it’s me – but doesn’t this beg the question that if he knew he could call animal rescue, why did he spend the better part of an hour calling me repeatedly?
His sleep will be affected by whether I've had a good day or a bad day, and he will leave messages every single day saying that "he hopes I feel better soon" and "to call him immediately, anytime, day or night" if I need to talk. He will do this until I tell him I feel better, regardless if I do feel better or not. It is not uncommon for this guy to leave anywhere from 2 to 8 messages a day if I have one bad occurrence. Bear in mind, this is not all via phone...I may receive email messages, cell phone messages, home phone messages, MSN messages and work phone messages all in the same day.
He has even taken to emailing friends of mine to see if they have heard from me that day, or lately, asking How am I doing? Have they seen me? Is everything okay with me?...you get the idea.
Now - you may be thinking "well, that's easy Okami, just don't talk to him" - uh huh - we've tried that before in a feeble attempt to establish a good deal of distance in the hopes that he would lose interest. Nope. He had a meltdown and started to panic, then got really angry, then sob uncontrollably in a way that leaves me struggling to convey it's...um....yeah I don't know how to say it. He does this sometimes if I don't hug him back too...
He cries uncontrollably over the phone – even on voicemails, asking why I am mad at him, why I won’t talk to him, what he did, how he can make it better.
And – perhaps the strangest part…actually increases his calling, emailing and the like. Increases!
I’ll refrain from attempting to convey what this sounds like over the phone.
But…this weekend sealed his fate once and for all in my eyes.
He has two large short hair farm cats as pets – a male and a female. The female is terrified of the outdoors; the male loves it and has now begun to hunt birds. The cat wanders outside unsupervised, yet when he drags some stunned bird into the house this lad gets all panicked and emotional. Just to give you an idea how big this cat is, one day he actually drug in a pigeon!! A pigeon! – not a tiny sparrow – a giant pigeon! What does this guy do? He calls me at work in a panicked frenzy, begging me to tell him what to do, and where he can take this bird for help. Now the bird is not hurt in any way – merely stunned, but this is of no matter to him. I am sitting at work, in a brand new job (first few days actually), and he’s at the other end of the city asking me what to do with this bird??? He calls me four times asking where he can take this bird…the fifth call he says that I “don’t have to worry anymore because vets take in emergency cases and he can go to his vet…across the street from his front door”….
*my head is starting to pound as I write this*
So now he is all calm and cheery again because he got to demonstrate how much of a hero he is. Thus, everything is right again in his version of the world.
This past weekend – ‘cat’astrophe struck! This time the cat actually broke skin and the little bird was bleeding.
His reaction – BLIND PANIC !!!!!
He calls my house
He calls my cell
He calls my house
He calls my cell
He calls my house…
And so it was repeated – house, cell, house, cell…
For a minimum of 13 calls (that I can account for) in under 40 minutes. Total number of calls is unknown – but that still works out to one call every three minutes.
Why did he do this? Apparently his vet’s office is closed on Sunday, and he expected me to stop what I was doing, regardless of where I was or who I may have been with – race over to his house – pick up this bird – and drive around the city aimlessly until a vet that was open on Sunday could be located to look at this bird…that his cat attacked…that he left unsupervised knowing full well that cat would do it if given the chance.
Forgive me – my earlier attempt at writing this in a relatively unbiased fashion has more or less nose-dived at this point hasn’t it? Sorry.
So he put me in the unfair position whereby if I did not drop everything I was doing and something bad happened to this bird – it would be on my conscious.
Besides – I couldn’t have done anything even I wanted to – I didn’t have the car.
He calls the cell again and leaves another message – thereby filling my mailbox completely – to inform me that “I don’t have to worry anymore because he called animal rescue and they are coming over to pick up the bird”. His voice was all sing-songy and happy because he could be the hero once again.
Perhaps it’s me – but doesn’t this beg the question that if he knew he could call animal rescue, why did he spend the better part of an hour calling me repeatedly?
*deep breath*
Okay, for those of you who have been so remarkable as to actually read this entire thing...please offer me some suggestions here. Within the scope of the law preferably. I'm just so worn down from having to deal with this person that I'm running on empty for ideas or ways to get him to calmly come to terms with it. Other people are now telling me to be careful what I say to him as there "is no telling what he could do"... here's the thing, I'm more of the thinking that this kid is a much greater threat to himself than to me. So I'm politely requesting any suggesstions / opinions you may have in the hopes of finding a resolution to this so I can get my life back from this "shadow".
And while I would normally seek a sarcasm-laden conclusion line here; I'm afraid I'm just not interested. Oh wait! That'll work just fine.
Copyrighted by Okami 4:31 PM
13 Comments:
Suggestion - move to Atlanta and let some big, dumb redneck take care of you and protect you from nutboy. Note - must be ethnically Asian for that offer to apply.
Seriously, you need to get him completely out of your life. This obsession isn't good for either of you, and any contact with him will only exacerbate matters. I appreciate your concern for his well-being, but there's no way you can get rid of him without hurting him. The best you can do is to be kind but firm - let him know his presence is hurting you and you need to cut all contact. After that, block his e-mail and take no calls from him. Also carry pepper spray in case he does get desperate.
I agree with Grant. You've got to be strong and cut all contact with him. You said you've tried that before, but no matter how much he whines, or how emotional he gets, you've got to ensure that you do not talk to him anymore. Just tell him that he's smothering you and that you can't deal with him anymore. Then say that you'll contact him when you're ready. You may never be ready, but that should tell him that he shouldn't try to get to you.
Or, if that doesn't appeal to you, try talking to a counselor of some sort and see if his problem is something that could be dealt with by means of professional help. Then, suggest that he get some because he is displaying extremely emotional and obsessive behaviour.
Also, you might want to find out if you can get a restraining order or something. If he's too emotionally unstable, he may prove to be a danger to you, as well as himself. Finally, like Grant said, pepper spray wouldn't be a bad investment.
Some of these may seem a bit extreme, but you've described a person who sounds unbalanced and infatuated with you. It's not a good or safe combination.
Holy. Crap. Well, I don't have anything at the moment to suggest, but man oh man, I didn't know he was THAT bad.
I will certainly think on this...
I'm with Grant and Doug here.
Joe! Back off! ;-)
This guy sounds like real trouble. I presume you are single only because you haven't mentioned an upset boyfriend in this scenario. It would be a pretty tolerant partner who would put up with this all the time.
What happens when you next line up a date? How will 'The Kid' handle it? What if he calls and ruins it?
I think that you should end your 'friendship' with this person as soon as possible.
It sounds like it is far more destructive than enriching.
Cut him loose.
Is it that obvious, Ultra?
Allow me to join the chorus here in agreeing with Grant. While I appluad your concern for his well being, you are not responsible for the choices he makes. It's clear that his obsession is harmful for both of you, and so you need to cease all contact.
He seems to some form of OCD, and so he'll likely obsess over your decision and go through some very difficult times as a result, but that might also serve as the trigger for him to seek the help that he seems to so desperately need.
It's painful to do that to a friend, but strikes me that this isn't a true friendship, no matter how much you hope that it might one day turn back into one.
sweetie. love. honeybunch. sorry...
i called your home, but there was no answer. i called your cell, but the voicemail was full. so i called your house again, but there was still no answer. and your cell, still full...
and i haven't seen you on msn lately. i guess i'll have to just leave you this message here.
you know my opinion on this, and i think what you fear is the repercussions, not so much of what he may do to himself, but if he meltsdown and decides a murder-suicide pact would best express his undying love.
i thought it was actually quite unbiased. and remember, i've seen some of it.
you left a lot out too - perhaps the most disturbing being how he speaks about himself in the third person when talking to you.
i wish i had better advice to provide.
pepper spray may help. a restraining order may also show you're actually serious, not just testing his devotion.
um...actually he talks to me and refers to "ME" in third person.
Like "How is my Okami today? Did Okami take lunch?"...
...i'm a little mixed in my emotion right now...being a VERY private person i don't like divulging things like this to others on such a public scale - yet find it somewhat relieving in a small way to know that it is not just my perception on this. and yes messiah - you are the only person i know who has been witness to this first hand - and you are very right in that if you think this is creepy....you don't want to know what i've left out of this post.
"...if you think this is creepy....you don't want to know what i've left out of this post."
Sure we do. The details of your personal private Hell are very entertaining to the rest of us. :p
I don't usually comment on here, but I had to tell you how sorry I am that you're going through this.
Honey, the best thing to do is cut him off. You should change your phone numbers and MSN and email accounts. It sounds like a huge inconvenience, but it may give you some peace. And it might send him a strong message. You should also ask my friends not to talk to him about you.
And I agree, you should get pepper spray. You have to be careful with people like this.
freshhairlover: you left out moving. i'm pretty sure he'll just stop by freaked out when the phone numbers stop functioning.
i still say nothing says love like a restraining order ;)
although i fear... that may be taken as the ultimate challenge
erm... excuse the type, fresh air....
although your hair does look pretty fresh too.....
WOW - I really need to post something here.
Sorry everyone!
Wow, so Randy changed into a deranged stalker? Who would have guessed? Do you think that maybe, just maybe, it was because of the way you jerked him around for all those years?
Christ you haven't changed a bit.
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