Boys With Big Guns...
US military pondered love not war
Other weapons that never saw the light of day include one to make soldiers obvious by their bad breath.
………what?.........
The US Air Force Wright Laboratory in Dayton, Ohio, sought Pentagon funding for research into what it called "harassing, annoying and 'bad guy'-identifying chemicals".
………what?......... (well at least they didn’t call it something silly)
Christ – are they sure they didn’t run a few of those bomb prototypes in the lab before they named this little super-duper-secret-BFF-club-government-project? Even the most flamboyant gay man I know wouldn’t say “bad-guy”…and he does drag shows…
In a variation on that idea, researchers pondered a "Who? Me?" bomb, which would simulate flatulence in enemy ranks.
How logical!! Let’s build the worlds biggest whoopee cushion – that’ll bring them to their knees alright. What kind of military and strategic advantage would that give the armed forces? Find the nastiest possible smell that you can – and that’ll be who we’re looking for? Never mind that they would then equip all the soldiers with air masks so they couldn’t smell the enemy anyway. This is brilliant! Please tell me that this was just a passing idea… (sorry)
Indeed, a "Who? Me?" device had been under consideration since 1945, the government papers say.
Of course it has…why wouldn’t be?...that’s clearly the winning idea thus far…just when we thought the strangest military anomaly was Area 51. Why would this be considered for over 60 years? So why didn’t the good ol’ boys in the Red, White and Blue House hop on this embarrassing little toot bomb?
Researchers concluded that the premise for such a device was fatally flawed because "people in many areas of the world do not find faecal odour offensive, since they smell it on a regular basis".
Well – as long as you’re being culturally sensitive about it…you must be kidding me - I’m actually stumped as for a comeback to something like this…please note how I’ve refrained from “asshole of the world” comments…oops – except that one – sorry – dang it.
The Joint Non-Lethal Weapons Directorate at the Pentagon said the defence department receives "literally hundreads" of project ideas.
Oh no – please no – I can’t take anymore ideas – there can’t possible be hundreds of them – please I beg of you…what’s next? A hiccup bomb? The “turn-every-woman-into-Grant’s-dentist” chemical? Maybe a “USA-A-Okay” slogan bomb” – we’ll wind up being a truly global melting pot…a big, flaming, smelly melting pot…spectacular!
The unconventional proposals were made by the US Air Force.
This is the line the story opens with??
Oh boy – I can hardly wait for this one. That says so much when they first line of the news story clearly wants to point out who is to blame for what is to follow…and it already calls them “unconventional”…not “new”, not “original”, not even “creative”….no no – let’s clearly illustrate that this is creepy and likely not appropriate in any way.
It gets better.
The US defence department considered various non-lethal chemicals meant to disrupt enemy discipline and morale.
Chemicals to disrupt morale? Doesn’t every corporate office in America use that now? As for discipline…damn – if you need chemicals for that – face it – they’re already whupping your ass.
The US military investigated building a "gay bomb", which would make enemy soldiers "sexually irresistible" to each other, government papers say.
Um – perhaps whupping wasn’t quite the right action verb used above…or in this case…below.
A “gay bomb”?? A chemical gay bomb to make soldiers "sexually irresistible" to each other?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….*cough* *gasp* *cough*…hee hee hee hee hee…
Sorry…thinking of the impact of “friendly fire”….
Wow – wouldn’t that be the envy of every other nation on the planet? What country wouldn’t want that kind of armament? “You hand over all of your WMD or we’ll...we’ll…we’ll make you gay!” War games will never be the same - pillow fights and sangria everywhere - Every Navy in the world would become a floating armada of lover’s only cruises;
“The Love Boat…”
“…exciting and new…”
“…come aboard…”
“…we’re expecting you…”
Hey – maybe that’ll replace Uncle Sam’s “WE WANT YOU” recruitment pitch. What do you think? Hmm - Suddenly being “south of the 49th” has new implications to it...
Yeesh – can you imagine what “Pride Week” would look like? The world would have a bigger party on their hands than the day the Allies won WWII…only with more streamers. And exposed skin…and sequins…on second thought…
What else did the illustrious Air Force come up with?
This is the line the story opens with??
Oh boy – I can hardly wait for this one. That says so much when they first line of the news story clearly wants to point out who is to blame for what is to follow…and it already calls them “unconventional”…not “new”, not “original”, not even “creative”….no no – let’s clearly illustrate that this is creepy and likely not appropriate in any way.
It gets better.
The US defence department considered various non-lethal chemicals meant to disrupt enemy discipline and morale.
Chemicals to disrupt morale? Doesn’t every corporate office in America use that now? As for discipline…damn – if you need chemicals for that – face it – they’re already whupping your ass.
The US military investigated building a "gay bomb", which would make enemy soldiers "sexually irresistible" to each other, government papers say.
Um – perhaps whupping wasn’t quite the right action verb used above…or in this case…below.
A “gay bomb”?? A chemical gay bomb to make soldiers "sexually irresistible" to each other?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….*cough* *gasp* *cough*…hee hee hee hee hee…
Sorry…thinking of the impact of “friendly fire”….
Wow – wouldn’t that be the envy of every other nation on the planet? What country wouldn’t want that kind of armament? “You hand over all of your WMD or we’ll...we’ll…we’ll make you gay!” War games will never be the same - pillow fights and sangria everywhere - Every Navy in the world would become a floating armada of lover’s only cruises;
“The Love Boat…”
“…exciting and new…”
“…come aboard…”
“…we’re expecting you…”
Hey – maybe that’ll replace Uncle Sam’s “WE WANT YOU” recruitment pitch. What do you think? Hmm - Suddenly being “south of the 49th” has new implications to it...
Yeesh – can you imagine what “Pride Week” would look like? The world would have a bigger party on their hands than the day the Allies won WWII…only with more streamers. And exposed skin…and sequins…on second thought…
What else did the illustrious Air Force come up with?
Other weapons that never saw the light of day include one to make soldiers obvious by their bad breath.
………what?.........
The US Air Force Wright Laboratory in Dayton, Ohio, sought Pentagon funding for research into what it called "harassing, annoying and 'bad guy'-identifying chemicals".
………what?......... (well at least they didn’t call it something silly)
Christ – are they sure they didn’t run a few of those bomb prototypes in the lab before they named this little super-duper-secret-BFF-club-government-project? Even the most flamboyant gay man I know wouldn’t say “bad-guy”…and he does drag shows…
In a variation on that idea, researchers pondered a "Who? Me?" bomb, which would simulate flatulence in enemy ranks.
How logical!! Let’s build the worlds biggest whoopee cushion – that’ll bring them to their knees alright. What kind of military and strategic advantage would that give the armed forces? Find the nastiest possible smell that you can – and that’ll be who we’re looking for? Never mind that they would then equip all the soldiers with air masks so they couldn’t smell the enemy anyway. This is brilliant! Please tell me that this was just a passing idea… (sorry)
Indeed, a "Who? Me?" device had been under consideration since 1945, the government papers say.
Of course it has…why wouldn’t be?...that’s clearly the winning idea thus far…just when we thought the strangest military anomaly was Area 51. Why would this be considered for over 60 years? So why didn’t the good ol’ boys in the Red, White and Blue House hop on this embarrassing little toot bomb?
Researchers concluded that the premise for such a device was fatally flawed because "people in many areas of the world do not find faecal odour offensive, since they smell it on a regular basis".
Well – as long as you’re being culturally sensitive about it…you must be kidding me - I’m actually stumped as for a comeback to something like this…please note how I’ve refrained from “asshole of the world” comments…oops – except that one – sorry – dang it.
The Joint Non-Lethal Weapons Directorate at the Pentagon said the defence department receives "literally hundreads" of project ideas.
Oh no – please no – I can’t take anymore ideas – there can’t possible be hundreds of them – please I beg of you…what’s next? A hiccup bomb? The “turn-every-woman-into-Grant’s-dentist” chemical? Maybe a “USA-A-Okay” slogan bomb” – we’ll wind up being a truly global melting pot…a big, flaming, smelly melting pot…spectacular!
…only those proposals which are deemed appropriate, based on stringent human effects, legal, and international treaty reviews are considered for development or acquisition.
I’m not sure that any global treaty would have thought to make caveats for this…can’t you just see Russia at the end of the Cold War…
“We’ll disarm our warheads– but we still aren’t going to pull your finger”
Full Story
I’m not sure that any global treaty would have thought to make caveats for this…can’t you just see Russia at the end of the Cold War…
“We’ll disarm our warheads– but we still aren’t going to pull your finger”
Full Story
Copyrighted by Okami 7:06 AM
9 Comments:
omg... i don't quite know what to say...
gay bomb? where the hell would you test it? sure... we let the cruise missiles up here, but i'm sure not even our gubmint is that stupid....
Frisco? No way to tell if it had any effect.....
argh... makes my head hurt.
Gay bomb.
What does it do to the soldiers who are already gay? Oh.. Hang on..
Chemicals that alter sexuality? Please...
Actually, just the threat of a gay bomb might work in the middle East. Homosexuality is reviled in their society. And I have been to and read about places that have raw sewage in the streets, so they're not completely off base with the fecal matter comment. The real problem comes with the flatulance bomb. If their soldiers are anything like ours, they're proud of their gas. "Feckin' A right, I did that. Me! Over here!"
Admit it, this post is just due to jealousy of our mighty military. The Canadian military is far inferior to our own, and always has been. You fear us, which is why you would never openly challenge our authority. Never in all of history, especially not 1812, has there been a skirmish between our respective troops in which your moosey soldiers sent ours packing.
1812? 1812? oh, wait a minute.... wasn't that when the u.s.a. opted to attack canada and we burned the white house to the ground?
thought that sounded familiar.
(sure, we don't have much of a military budget, but i hear most of your special forces teams come up here to learn how it's done.)
After reading this - and your brilliant commentary - I was so taken aback that couldn't even think of a comment for a few days.
The gay bomb thing was the funniest. I can only imagine what they'd look like as they marched in formation towards the enemy. .
I need to run and submit my idea to the Pentagon now. It involves a chemical that disrupts morale by making the enemy think that Bush is their leader.
Messiah: I know a few people we could test it out on...let me grab "the list".
Ultra: A very good friend pointed out that altering sexuality wasn't the case so much as stimulating intense sexual urge, and since military forces are predominantly male...'any port in a storm' as it were...
Grant: Glad you have ample "Gas Pride"...that'll have the ladies lining up in no time...
And I couldn't fear you on a bet. ;)
HDD: Oooh! Good Point - but maybe the army can expand on the slogan a bit so iit reads "WE WANT YOU...AND YOU...AND YOU OVER THERE..."
Messiah: That's one of many reasons why you are one of my favourite people.. ;) Your uncanny ability to remember the most random of information comes in remarkably handy more often than not.
Joe: Your flattery is undeserved as this was more half-wit mockery than a serious reflection of humour. thank-you though just the same. As for the Pentagon, you missed the patent office hours by *that* much. Rumsfeld beat you by no more than 5 minutes.
Man, we need to invest in higher grade gaydar.
As long as you can fit the boat into the port...
Ho ho ho.
How crude.
Xray: Pray tell oh wise sage - just how do you propose that little gem be done?
Ultra: With today's marvels of engineering...
Post a Comment
<< Home