Freedom
So concludes week two of my new employment – and things have been frantic. I finally took lunch for the first time since I started, and a routine is slowly beginning to develop; allowing me time to catch up on everyone’s blog ~ including my own.
But more importantly, I've noticed a remarkable transformation happening to me, the likes of which have not taken place in, I’m sorry to say, years. Without delving into too much detail at present, the last few years of my life have been a living hell. My living nightmare of the waking hours. I felt starved, suffocated, smothered and utterly beyond salvation or escape for the entire duration of my second post-secondary program. I felt as though I may never know what freedom felt like, and the sensation of it passed from memory with whispers of what may one day be.
When the end of April came ~ it didn’t feel real to me; the scars were still too fresh and the frantic nature of my life continued without pause.
But slowly…slowly…things began to evolve.
It began with slowly reclaiming this long-forgotten notion of “personal” time. To end my day without textbooks, research papers, senior-level theoretical examinations of societal norms and the like. To go home at the conclusion of my day – and experience this freedom…the likes of which I am still not completely used to. For example, I can sit in a hot bath up to my earlobes in soapy bubbles and languish there for hours on end with a glass of wine if I so choose…
And then ‘it’ began ~ the single most important occurrence in the reclamation of my identity: separating myself from two of the most toxic individuals in my life ~ whose pettiness, backstabbing, lying, melodrama and complete disregard for anyone else in the world outside of their own reflections were an overwhelming source of my misery and depression.
And now…*poof*…I don’t have to see them everyday. I don’t have to listen to them everyday. I don’t have to talk to them everyday…
And it feels like taking the deepest breath of your life. As though this massive weight has been lifted from your chest, and you suddenly feel light...like floating.
This new found freedom has also resulted in spending time with good people again, and more frequently than once a semester that I was averaging. That said I miss Mr. and Mrs. Messiah, am very pleased that I had an opportunity to meet Xray when he came out to Calgary, and wonder what the hell took me so long to realize how much fun LMizzle and crew really are.
I can slowly feel myself coming back into being…well, me. Everyday a little more of who I used to be returns. I’m re-introducing myself to the things I loved in life, things that I associated and identified with as being part of me. The hobbies, the passions, the wardrobes; all of it a part of me that had been smashed down, walked over and disregarded.
Until now.
I can’t remember the last time I felt this good…
But more importantly, I've noticed a remarkable transformation happening to me, the likes of which have not taken place in, I’m sorry to say, years. Without delving into too much detail at present, the last few years of my life have been a living hell. My living nightmare of the waking hours. I felt starved, suffocated, smothered and utterly beyond salvation or escape for the entire duration of my second post-secondary program. I felt as though I may never know what freedom felt like, and the sensation of it passed from memory with whispers of what may one day be.
When the end of April came ~ it didn’t feel real to me; the scars were still too fresh and the frantic nature of my life continued without pause.
But slowly…slowly…things began to evolve.
It began with slowly reclaiming this long-forgotten notion of “personal” time. To end my day without textbooks, research papers, senior-level theoretical examinations of societal norms and the like. To go home at the conclusion of my day – and experience this freedom…the likes of which I am still not completely used to. For example, I can sit in a hot bath up to my earlobes in soapy bubbles and languish there for hours on end with a glass of wine if I so choose…
And then ‘it’ began ~ the single most important occurrence in the reclamation of my identity: separating myself from two of the most toxic individuals in my life ~ whose pettiness, backstabbing, lying, melodrama and complete disregard for anyone else in the world outside of their own reflections were an overwhelming source of my misery and depression.
And now…*poof*…I don’t have to see them everyday. I don’t have to listen to them everyday. I don’t have to talk to them everyday…
And it feels like taking the deepest breath of your life. As though this massive weight has been lifted from your chest, and you suddenly feel light...like floating.
This new found freedom has also resulted in spending time with good people again, and more frequently than once a semester that I was averaging. That said I miss Mr. and Mrs. Messiah, am very pleased that I had an opportunity to meet Xray when he came out to Calgary, and wonder what the hell took me so long to realize how much fun LMizzle and crew really are.
I can slowly feel myself coming back into being…well, me. Everyday a little more of who I used to be returns. I’m re-introducing myself to the things I loved in life, things that I associated and identified with as being part of me. The hobbies, the passions, the wardrobes; all of it a part of me that had been smashed down, walked over and disregarded.
Until now.
I can’t remember the last time I felt this good…
Copyrighted by Okami 3:35 PM
8 Comments:
I can't remember the last time I smiled so much reading a blog entry. I couldn't be happier for you.
I remember what it was like when I finished college. Between school, work, and caring for my stepchildren at the time, I got into a routine of running all day every day.
When school ended, I had so much personal time that I didn't know what do with it. Then, like you, I settled into enjoying myself and remembering that it's okay to be a bit selfish at times.
I'm glad you've already begun to realize that, and I look forward to more stories about how happy you are.
Socail Cancer is heavy.
Boo.
Metamorphesis?!
Are you turning into a Unicorn?!
That cartoon was fucking rad!
It was nice to meet you too!
good lord, you missed group projects, and retarded students who plagerize and somehow get away with it.
i can't tell you how good it does my heart to hear you're starting to recover. personal time is extremely important.
i doubt i could handle school any longer - no patience for stupidity.
(and thanks, i miss you too)
Joe: Thanks...the best part about it is how good it feels to laugh again
Diva: Glad I could help inspire you! I know I enjoyed my little escape from humanity for a while.
Xray: Man - Get some sleep, then try this again. Your comments are sounding more like Haikus without a home.
Messiah: I think it's going to be a long time yet before I can fully grasp the notion of full and complete personal time. In many respects, you have a very clear notion of how much damage those two have done. But the important part is that I'm starting to feel more like me ~ and that can only improve with time.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Haiku's have a home at write club.
Take a deep breath and tell me how good it feels!
I'm glad you're feeling better.
I'm glad to hear that you're happy, because when you're happy, I'm pretty much indifferent. But you seem like a nice possibly Asian person, therefore I wish you all the best.
Have a happy. =)
Greets to the webmaster of this wonderful site! Keep up the good work. Thanks.
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