Close Quarters ~ Pt. 2
In attempts to ignore the shiny tampons sailing throughout the bus like little test missiles ~ I began concentrating on other people sitting around me. I should have known better. When I had been waiting for the bus, the stop had been delightful void of people, allowing me a blissful bit of solitude in the sunshine. After about 10 minutes of this, fate decided to deliver to my presence a individual of the male persuasion; with a cell phone firmly affixed to the side of his head, and a voice that could cut glass. He chose to stand just far enough away from me so as to ensure his call was somewhat private; much to my relief. However, once the bus arrived, this was no longer an option I was privileged to have. Instead, he clamored away, nattering incessantly, arms waving, voice increasing in pitch and volume ~ all about…
Wait for it…
A game. Yes, that’s right~ our incessant little chatterbox was prattling on like a nervous adolescent on a first date about a video/computer game. Beautiful. It appears that this conversation was indeed the same one that was taking place at the bus stop of the post-secondary institution. It’s enough to make the heart of any woman go all aflutter. Oh wait, perhaps that’s just indigestion? What followed for the next 15 minutes are actual snippets of this truly sad little conversation: (which was overheard while our sleeping beauty had yet to awaken)
Him: “ …no man, no, no, you can’t use those charms on that demon…no, you don’t have enough restorative elixir to handle it…”
Me: *You’ve got to be kidding…*
Him: “..you what?!?! You did not waste your magic on that piece of crap? No, I never use my “destructive magic” to thwart him.”
Me: * At this point, I blatantly stared at him for using “thwart” as legitimate conversational vocabulary...*
Him: “..no, no, listen to me ~ I know what I’m talking about here, I’m better at this than you are ~ no listen to me, you aren’t good enough to handle it…”
Me: *Somehow I picture every woman he will ever meet saying exactly the same thing*
He ended this particular call with a demand to the other individual to “sit tight and don’t touch a damn thing until he got there to show him how to do it right”.
Not 5 minutes after this call ~ his phone goes off again. Before one could become fully aware of the nonsense contained within this call, it became apparent very quickly that this was 1) a different male friend, and 2) this too was to be yet another conversation regarding a game…
God help me…
The first few minutes contained a lot of “oh my god…no way…really?...no way…oh my god…” This was soon followed by tales of rugged adventure in which our diligent little basement dweller had gotten himself tipsy on Schnapps. Yep…Schnapps. What a hard-ass…I couldn’t even contain my laughter at this point to attempt to uncover which magical flavour he had used as his own “restorative elixir”.
What woman wouldn't want a chunk of this hulking he-man? He's like one of those Adonis’ gracing the covers of paperback gaming novels; his hair greasy, his “rock, rock-on” t-shirt wrinkled and faded, his hand permanently affixed in the “‘A’ -button-attack-and-‘B’-button-lunge” claw position…
Dreamy…like a bad acid flashback…
Wait for it…
A game. Yes, that’s right~ our incessant little chatterbox was prattling on like a nervous adolescent on a first date about a video/computer game. Beautiful. It appears that this conversation was indeed the same one that was taking place at the bus stop of the post-secondary institution. It’s enough to make the heart of any woman go all aflutter. Oh wait, perhaps that’s just indigestion? What followed for the next 15 minutes are actual snippets of this truly sad little conversation: (which was overheard while our sleeping beauty had yet to awaken)
Him: “ …no man, no, no, you can’t use those charms on that demon…no, you don’t have enough restorative elixir to handle it…”
Me: *You’ve got to be kidding…*
Him: “..you what?!?! You did not waste your magic on that piece of crap? No, I never use my “destructive magic” to thwart him.”
Me: * At this point, I blatantly stared at him for using “thwart” as legitimate conversational vocabulary...*
Him: “..no, no, listen to me ~ I know what I’m talking about here, I’m better at this than you are ~ no listen to me, you aren’t good enough to handle it…”
Me: *Somehow I picture every woman he will ever meet saying exactly the same thing*
He ended this particular call with a demand to the other individual to “sit tight and don’t touch a damn thing until he got there to show him how to do it right”.
Not 5 minutes after this call ~ his phone goes off again. Before one could become fully aware of the nonsense contained within this call, it became apparent very quickly that this was 1) a different male friend, and 2) this too was to be yet another conversation regarding a game…
God help me…
The first few minutes contained a lot of “oh my god…no way…really?...no way…oh my god…” This was soon followed by tales of rugged adventure in which our diligent little basement dweller had gotten himself tipsy on Schnapps. Yep…Schnapps. What a hard-ass…I couldn’t even contain my laughter at this point to attempt to uncover which magical flavour he had used as his own “restorative elixir”.
What woman wouldn't want a chunk of this hulking he-man? He's like one of those Adonis’ gracing the covers of paperback gaming novels; his hair greasy, his “rock, rock-on” t-shirt wrinkled and faded, his hand permanently affixed in the “‘A’ -button-attack-and-‘B’-button-lunge” claw position…
Dreamy…like a bad acid flashback…
Copyrighted by Okami 2:51 PM
12 Comments:
Ah, yes! The good ol' days!
I can't recall ever having a conversation about what to do while playing any video game ever. And I was a pretty geeky kid, too. I'd had conversations while trying to set up networked computers to play a game, but once we were connected, that was it. (This was mostly due to the fact that our connection required the phone line. It was, like, 1995. Y'know, before broadband.) I've done computer troubleshooting over the phone, but I'm sure that sounds slightly different. You don't often say "thwart" when troubleshooting computer problems. (Or, at least, I don't. There's a certain brit I can think of who might get a kick out of it...)
Why would he want a girl/woman, anyway? They want things like relationships. Relationships are the gaming destroyers. She'll want you to spend time with her. That time could be better spent playing video games! You'll end up writing things like this. I mean, what self respecting gamer plays the Alliance, anyway? Horde all the way, baby!
Me: *Somehow I picture every woman he will ever meet saying exactly the same thing*
That had me laughing for quite a while...and then I realized that I was the guy on the other end of the phone during the first conversation.
That's the last time I call the Canadian help line for my magical video game adventures...
Ha ha!
Public transport rocks for this very reason. I take great pleasure in utilising it on most days.
I feel deeply sorry for Tampon lady.
I used to be prone to the odd bit of computer nerd chatter, but not in a public place. Me and my friends used to keep it within the acceptable confines of the basement.
If you get another nerd doing this sort of thing, imitate them by pretending to call a friend on your mobile. Start shouting "Shoes shoes SHOES SHOES SHOES!!!!!!!!!" into your handset.
Hang up, then turn very slowly to the now fear-frozen geek boy and say very slowly...
"Plimsoll"
He will:
a) run
b) wet himself
c) wet himself then run.
You know I love it when a man uses "thwart" in a sentence!
I wonder if this guy was tech support for some gaming company. I have to admit, I've been e-mailing friends lately to ask for Sims advice. "The fecking game says I don't have enough friends to advance, no matter how smart and strong I am." That's the problem with the Sims - too realistic for its own good.
it's everquest. has to be. the only game i know that has caused divorces in friends lives.
apparently he is so deeply into it that he views his transport as filled with NPC's to make it all more realistic. no one bothers with NPC's in such circumstances.
besides, do you have any idea what kind of stamina and energy it takes to cast something like a Rary’s Telepathic Bond spell?
(it obviously doesn't take any charisma ;)
grant: surely there's a hack available to bypass this issue? sort of like money in the real world?
never was able to get into playing real life to avoid real life. just seemed to strange to me.
Doug: I really don't think it's a question of whether or not he wants a woman... rather, what would possess a woman to want him? I mean, who wants to have to wage they own battle for the attention of a lad who may not know what to do with an actual woman as opposed to a pixilated one?
Joe: I'm so sorry ~ we're in the midst of training new Canadian call centre staff ~ in the meantime, I hear India is more than capable to handle all of your particular "Magical Adventure" needs.
HDD: Yeah ~ I had to try and find the entertainment or I simply would have shaken my head at the overall decline of humanity. Oh - wait, I still do that..huh... never mind.
Ultra: I can only imagine what Bristol's transit system may be like; what with the crazy people commuting to work on foot across your lawn, one can only fathom what those taking motorized transport may be like...um, present company excluded of course.
But the Shoes-Shoes-Shoes has real merit, thanks.
LMizzle: How could any woman refuse that? Actually...very easily I imagine.
Grant: No, alas he was nothing more than a student who boarded the bus at the post-secondary, and who's turn-ons included excessive gaming, Schnapps, geeking-it-up, and shrill phone call conversations.
Messiah: A Rary’s Telepathic Bond Spell? NPC's? Um...what-what? English, dear man, for the love of sanity ~ or some reasonable facsimile thereof. Yeesh ~ I know you're a tech genius for a living, but I'm drawing the line in the sand here my friend.
See, Okami, this is why he wouldn't want a girl. It makes the matter of a girl possibly wanting him utterly moot. You don't know who Rary is, or his Telepathic Bond spell. You don't know that NPC stands for Non-Player Character (people in role playing game, or RPG, settings that aren't played by anyone. They're just there for ambiance or for providing information to the PCs, or Player Characters.)
When faced with a relationship with a girl who is so utterly clueless about the important things in life, it doesn't matter if she wants him or not. The odds are better that you'd roll a natural 20 100 times in a row, than him ever getting into a relationship. It'd throw off his gaming.
Or, we could just accept the fact that he's utterly hopeless.
Doug: Yeah, I can see how my wanting to play with three-dimensional people could pose a problem...
And how silly of me not to realize that gaming is the single-most important thing in life... guess I've been in error, what with the touching of real flesh and all... what have I been thinking?
It's good that you have seen the light, O.
I can't wait for someone to release 'Tomb Raider: Partners for Life'.
You play Lara Crofts new boyfriend. You take her out for chips and a can of lager, she puts out. Eventually, the game gets harder as you move in together and she starts wearing novelty slippers and dressing gowns.
To procure sexual favours from her you have to perform difficult tasks like 'thwarting' the washing up and buying her the right kind of sanitary products from the local shop.
Alternatively, you can hang around on public tranpsort until someone drops some....
Ultra: I derive some form of twisted amusement that you and Doug are both married...it soothes me somehow, but I'm not sure if its in a good way or not. Either way, you two are some of my favourite people, so I'll say it's good....for now.
Until they make a video game about naked llamas flying off to a weekend of stag drinking with their friends ~ then all bets are off.
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