Home Sweet Home

Escort-service houses go on auction block

For sale: the Bunny Club, Miss Susies and Moon's House. Great locations. Must be converted to legitimate businesses or homes. Going to the highest bidder.

Splendid - nothing says spectacular starter home like converted brothel. Everything is already lush and plush...and there's a lock on every door. And what the hell constitutes a legitimate home exactly? You know – besides boring? Can you imagine giving directions to people once you moved in? "Oh, it's easy to find ~ just ask your husband..."

They stand empty now, taken over by federal authorities. Blinds shut, strings of Christmas lights turned off and business signs sun bleached, they have, for all intents and purposes, already been stripped of their pasts. (Oh ha ha - very punny)...

Hmmm, Christmas lights on a brothel…"O Holy Night" wouldn't quite be the same now would it?

All the while police had trouble acting fast enough and collecting enough evidence to prove a crime had been committed...one of the clubs, the Bunny Club, even operated in the same block as a police substation on 36th Avenue.

Woot! At least you knew that if you ever lost the keys to your cuffs you could always find a replacement down the street. Hmm - for some reason I have the "Cheers" theme in my head..."Where everybody knows your name...and they're always glad you came"...

Today, the boxy, single-story home that was Miss Susie’s is nestled between a preschool playground and a home just off Arctic Boulevard near Northern Lights Boulevard. On a recent afternoon, a school bus pulled up to the nearby curb and unloaded children. Moon's House, similar in structure with big front windows, is across the street.

HaHaHaHaHa - Brilliant! Wish my school had taken me on field trips of whorehouses when I was little…Little Johnny and Little Susie will have lots of stories about recess now! Can you imagine the marketing bliss of having two brothels across the street from one another? It would be like the Starbucks franchise, only cheaper.

The reputation of the properties grew at police headquarters over the years.

I bet it did, I bet it did...I'm sure many a "reputation" grew...

Several police raids starting in the early 1990s on the properties discovered sex toys and naked men. Condoms were hidden throughout the houses in nooks and crannies including Advil bottles and fried onion food containers. Police seized a Rolodex that contained the names of 4,752 customers and their sexual preferences…

Damn It - I want that back!...uh...I mean fried onion food containers? Now I've seen these containers and there is something rather comedic and more than a little disturbing about seeking condoms in a vessel that once held petrified bits...of food. One can't help but wonder why on earth would cops be looking in a fried onion food container to begin with? Perhaps they were hoping a big snake would pop out - ugh - that's not what I meant...

In May 2005, the owner pleaded guilty to failing to file for taxes and agreed to pay a $25,000 fine. She donated one of the properties -- with its mirrored walls, stone fireplace and Jacuzzi room -- to the Corporation of the Catholic Archbishop of Anchorage.

Wonderful: No one could appreciate the penitent nature of a brothel quite like the Catholic Archbishop. Lots of remorseful customers and repenting to be had, with some form of worship taking place; granted it was at the feet of a dominatrix…"

We tried to bring [her] down for 20 years, but she's just more agile than us and she's smart. And, she had very good, expensive lawyers."

Uh huh - and your point is what exactly? All of us desirable women are and do, and if you can't bring her down after 20 years, call a 1-900 number would you? If you're looking I hear there's a great one in Baghdad.

Was she running a house of prostitution? "The police were never able to prove that. They used to attempt to do a lot of illegal entries into the place, but even with those illegal entries they were never able to prove that," he said.

Cue porno music here: "Okay, now in this scene you play a redundant lawyer talking to the media"...use "illegal entries" a lot to make it sound dirty...good and dirty...yeah, you like that don't you? Doesn't take much to write a "script" for a skin flick now does it?

The houses are assessed at a total of about $320,000, according to municipal tax records. The Anchorage Police Department, which spearheaded the investigations, stands to gain 80 percent of the proceeds.

To be left on the nightstand no doubt? Damn - $256,000 dollars for a few years of chasing nudie rooms? I bet it was in retaliation for "police had trouble acting fast enough"...