Contract of Wifely Expectations - UPDATED

I was in an insane rush when I posted this contract on Tuesday, and felt that it may warrant a deeper examination. Insert crude joke here.

Now this guy actually attempted to kidnap his own wife and force here to sign this sex slave contract before he would let her go. Setting aside the fact that the bumbling fool was too inept to even pull that off successfully – it begs the question as to why he felt that holding her against her will was the best plan.

Now indulge me for a moment if you will – the contract itself is not all that bizarre – with exception of the picture quota; that’s more of a “yeah, sure thing, you go first” kind of request. Many couples reach a point whereby sex becomes routine and…unfortunately…cumbersome. After a point in time things need to get interesting again just to keep both sides of the relationship in balance. Perhaps after years of marriage, this guy just wanted to spice things up a bit; a little submissive role playing, some different positions and costume modifications. Not a problem; in fact, most of them weren’t all that bad – although the precise measurements of which her grooming was required to be in check was unsettling – even to the most dedicated of fetishists I know.

This wouldn’t be a problem except for his half-baked, nonsensical, mentally deficient means by which he attempted to implement it. Important note: requesting it, not demanding it, is crucial in phrasing – this low-brow bottom feeder wanted a worshipper, not a partner. He will now have play-mates; just not the ones that fold out into three’s and staple to the wall.

Most people would sit down with their significant others and have a candid conversation about what “might be fun to try” or “you know what I’ve always wanted to do”. This lunatic’s bright idea of kidnapping his wife and refusing to let her go until such time as she signed this thing was pass the boundary of psychotic. As I mentioned before – the boys in lock-up will have fun with this one. If it’s more adventurous romps he’s looking for; he’ll be on the receiving end of them one way or another.

As for the excerpts, there was one more that deserved mentioning:

"Any other shape or design…with an area of no greater than that of an equilateral triangle”

Oh…where to start? How internally disturbed do you have to be that an exact measurement involving equilateral triangles becomes necessary?

"Half of your shoe purchases will be high heels, 2” or more”

Weakling. This guy will get into all sorts of minute details in every other detail of this document and stops at 2” heels? Please, I wear higher heels walking to class.

“When we are in bed together I can cuddle, spoon, hold or touch you in any way, as long as it does not excessively disruptive to your sleep”

Hmm – what should come first – his punch line or his typo?

“All skirts no lower then two inches below the knee (unless it’s for Church)"

Ah yes – nice to see he’s a demented lunatic that is still god-fearing. Can I get a hallelujah? No? How about an amen?

“You are to set the alarm according, and tell me what for time it is set for.”

Obviously the further along in the contract this guy got, the less blood was actually making it to his brain. Not only does he make two typos in this one demand – he actually slips out of the “dominating” role and allows her to pick the time the alarm is set for…dunce.

Truth be told – this document is littered with typos – capitalization errors, the use of “not limited too”. I’m wondering if whether or not this guy slammed this out on a scratch pad one night when the computer was down and he couldn’t “check the stocks”.

How about the fact that he was actually able to find little naked lady letters with which to adorn his headings? Apparently the document would lose credibility with his wife if not for the perfect font...Bizarre yet unique in concept - pathetic application - and outright stupid methodology.

Isn’t humanity fascinating?