Budding Professionals

All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.
Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC)

To bring everyone in blogland up to speed, I feel that it is only fair to describe the craptacular "professional development" course that we, as emerging professionals, are subjected to as a requirement of graduation. These little pearls of wisdom are delivered by an overly perky pseudo-professional who addresses us like we are fifteen and have never worked a day in our lives that didn't involve the question: "Would you like fries with that?"

This individual's wide-eyed ramblings and irrelevant babble leaves my counterpart and I ample time to add our own "special dialogue" to the PowerPoint presentation slides that have been carefully and creatively designed so as to maximize the effect with which us dim-witted folk can grasp its valuable content. What follows are the ACTUAL bullet points that our fearless leader felt were worthy of note...*grumble grumble*

Rule #1 - Dress Professionally.

Damn - Does that mean that my tube top and tear-away track pants are a no-no for a job interview? Man, and I had some sweet tassels that I've been wanting to break in...

Rule #2 - Warm Handshake.

It should be noted here that it is to be warm, but not moist...

Rule #3 - Firm Handshake.

I don't know...there's a certain special something about shaking hands with someone with the wrist strength of Jell-O...

Rule #4 - No Gum Chewing.

*sigh*...but tomacco is acceptable? What about partaking in a smooth, yet thirst-quenching nicotini?

Rule #5 - Sit Erect, Yet Relaxed.

So help me - I swear that is the actual vernacular used! Not "sit up straight", not "don't slouch". The exact phrasing on this vapid little slide stated "Sit Erect, Yet Relaxed". This was by far my personal favourite, and watching all two of the men in the class do exactly what they were told and sit up marginally straighter just made it all the more enjoyable. Possible example?

By far the highlight of this particular session of stupidity was just about the time that one begins to question the necessity of such baffle-gab, a lone student raises his hand and proceeds to ask:

"So...um...if a couple days after the interview we remember something that we wanted to tell them, can we just call them and give them our answer?"

This took a few nanoseconds to register in the catacombs of my mind as I had successfully tuned out most of what was going on around me. This query snapped me back into the unfortunate reality of the situation. *sigh* "Um - no" came the reply from the instructor, as it was clear that they were trying to assess whether or not the student was indeed serious. "Why sure" came the response from my row - "what a novel idea; perhaps we'll buy a mini muffin basket and attach a card that reads "If I change my answers, will you hire me now?"

I think we should make him a t-shirt that reads: "I know I'm an ass in a class I can't pass."

The fact that we don't have to pay money for these insightful little quips means very little to us, as we are indeed paying for it - dearly - over, and over, and over again.

Now I find out late yesterday afternoon that I don't even have to take this silliness as I have already graduated from one program that covered all this nonsense once before! So glad my thousands of dollars in tuition pays the salaries of such articulate and observant individuals. I'm getting a good idea as to what may drive people to drink in the morning...